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Gallery: Fete Worse Than Death – Performance Photos

: After this year, no more historical re-enactments.

: After this year, no more historical re-enactments.

: After this year, no more historical re-enactments.

: Destroyed a year’s worth of work and effort, that’s what!

: So where do I put the Trophy?

: As the title holder, Father Mike, you get the honour of displaying it next to your entry this year.

: Hang on, where’s your entry? You haven’t forgotten it, have you?

: Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair. Malc, may I introduce the Leviathan!

: She’s a beauty, isn’t she.

: Did you grow that?

: Then you’ve missed a treat. He’s so dreamy.

: don’t care if they find us. I’m tired of keeping it a secret

: When Genghis Khan fought the Turks, he found himself at a disadvantage.

: Nigel, two hours is too quick. We need to think about this

: The Almighty might not give a damn, but that doesn’t mean I’m beaten!

: You’re thinking, how many pickle jars does she have in that box?

: But look at the size of it. It’s not natural.

: A silly marrow? A silly marrow?! Bunny, that’s my life’s work there, sitting on that bench.

: Thank you, Miss Parmenter. He might have done something silly.

: Coffee? That’s his secret?

: In fact I’ve been meaning to have a word with him. He’s been leaving the empty packets lying about and they’re blowing into my garden.

: Is he always this competitive?

: I knew it

: Justice, Bunny. That’s what it is. Justice.

: Health & Safety disclaimer. It absolves the fete organisers of all responsibility.

: He’s not a real detective, you know.

: And this, Roy – you don’t mind if I call you Roy – is the Country Produce tent.

: Hello Mr Martin, I’m Trish Burton, organiser of the fete.

: I’m sorry I’m late everyone. There’s a tree down on the road, so my driver took the long way round.

: Mr Martin. From one performer to another, I’d like to welcome you to Thornton

: Miss Violet Parmenter. Chutneys and pickles.

: Looks like a winner to me.

: Malcolm Turner. Chairman of the Village Fete Committee

: being Chairman isn’t all fun and games you know

: So Mr Martin, I think it’s time we got this show on the road.

: Breaker breaker, come in for a copy.

: I wouldn’t trust Trevor Williams with a walkie-talkie. He was the one that got that coat hanger stuck up his nose.

: Lead on MacDuff

: There’s a tip for you for next year.

: It’s got to be the real McCoy, mind. None of your decaffeinated rubbish

: Under-floor heating? Temperature control?

: Good God – I’m talking to a marrow

: Grrrr…

: Grrrrrrrr…

: GRRRRRRRRR…..

: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…

: I think that went rather well

: You don’t stand a chance with him, dear.

: He hasn’t looked at another woman since his wife died.

: He certainly knows how to play the crowd, doesn’t he?

: I’ve done it, Bunny. It’s all taken care of.

: Oh good. You got some tickets for Malcolm, too

: Look at the state of my prize marrow!

: Oh, don’t play the innocent with me Bunny

: I’m afraid all the evidence would point to Mr Turner

: That’s not very Christian of you, dear

: Nige, its Malc. Come here, give me a hand.

: Mr Turner? Mr Turner dear, can you hear me?

: My mate Dave. Hoth the Impaler

: isn’t it going swimmingly?

: I’ve made quite a killing myself.

: Why are you all just standing around?

: To solve the crime, of course

: Malc is resting in peace at the nineteenth hole.

: there’s the first name on the list.

: All we have to do, is look through the pictures

: Here’s the first shot

: What do we notice here?

: The camera never lies.

: It looks like a cake slice.

: This is rather fun

: That’s right, Columbo, laying into my marrow.

: So, can I go?

: Exhibit A. Miss Parmenter found it on Malcolm’s body.

: ‘Full of body, full of flavour’

: I was sat on my own with a bottle of Chardonnay

: In the beginning he was the perfect husband

: One suspect who hasn’t even been mentioned yet

: Your part of the job done.

: So there’s no one around to see you. Perfect

: You, Bunny, are missing from this picture

: Where else would you hide a cake slice, but in a cake?

: Bravo Inspector

: Breaker, breaker, come in for a coffee.

: you can call me Inspector.

: Oh, just before we go, inspector, you must try some of my pickles

: The End