Penshurst puts on a Pantomime every two years in February Half Term (after most of the others have finished – guarantees a full house). For the last few years it has been my pleasure to write these – words and music.

It all started when a friend in the village who had been to PADS said they needed a pianist for the panto – Aladdin. I when along and was given the script, with some songs (to be sung along to well known pop tunes of the day). Unfortunately, there is little I hate more than new words sung to old pop songs – lazy, uncreative, and usually with tortured rhymes – reminds me of the worst bits of Crackerjack from my childhood.

So I decided to write music to the song lyrics which had been provided – and add a few new songs in to the mix. They seemed to go down all right, and Aladdin was a success, and immense fun to do.  Villages hold many secrets, and one of the secrets about Penshurst is that behind the picture-postcard terraced houses in the High Street lurks both a rock and roll guitarist of rare talent, and a sardonic and stylish bass player from Wolverhampton.  So we had the basis of a band, which added hugely to the richness of the sound.  Our guitarist also has a studio in his garage, so after each panto we do a recording of the songs – CD available from all good record shops (not).

I always think that songs should form an integral part of a panto – they should advance the plot, explain something, be witty. Similarly the text of the panto has either to be funny or to advance the story – if it doesn’t do one or other, preferably both – cut it!

The text we bought for Aladdin was OK, but by now I was enjoying myself and thought that the next year I might have a go a writing the script as well.  After trawling around the recesses of my mind and several other sources for some decent gags, I made a start, picking a classic – Jack and the Beanstalk – which I thought could be used as the vehicle. The beauty of panto is that everyone knows the story,  allowing the writer to lace proceedings with terrible puns, bad jokes, and all the usual “Behind You” moments. I particularly like characters’s names. Jack (O’Bean) was joined in this by Giant (Underpants) and Baron (Landscape) – and a useless French cook called Les – Les Miserables, whose song began:

‘There was a time

I owned a bar just off Montmartre

I used to share

A cigarette with Jean Paul Sartre’

 Jack and the Beanstalk was performed in 2011, followed two years later by Cinderella. The Great Panto Robbery (2015) used characters from panto in an original story.  For the 2017 production  we are performing Dick Whittington. I have just about finished the script and the PADS committee will have a read through in a month to see if it is, in fact, funny. Fingers crossed. The songs are ready and this time we hope to record them before the performance. Then casting in the early autumn, singing rehearsals leading up to Christmas, with proper rehearsals  in January and February.

One of the great things about a panto is how everyone can get involved – there are the main parts, the cameos, and the chorus for those with varying amounts of time and ambition. There are costumes to make, sets to paint. On the night we need lighting and sound crews, backstage and front of house. The Great Panto Robbery in 2015 ended up with a cast and crew of over 50.  The party afterwards was a blinder!

Robert Rees